Nurdbots Guide To Online Mic Users

In this modern broadbandtastic headshot a minute respawn a second word of online gaming, we don't have time like we used to type OMG YOU HACKER into the six line sized box that is public chat in online gaming. Yes, thanks to the rise of technology these days gamers would rather use a mic with or without a headset, instead of replying in the distracting method of typing out or using pre-recorded voice commands to inform the team that their collective asses were being kicked.


At last, you can finally scream through your cheap three pound mic with relish and accuse somebody of being a hacking fag slut, with your speakers on high, hand on chest and TK macro at the ready. I myself, thanks to the last few years of casual gaming on STEAM game servers have researched, rechecked, tore up, fabricated, tore up and finally released a list of the several categories of the most infamous of Mic users in the gaming battlefields. Read on and learn, my unwashed masses!


Captain Tactical Strategy:

Captain TS is a strange creature, he is a man who knows from the deep pit of his soul that he himself can only lead his fellow gamer into winning the game by using teamwork, following his orders and doing the objective. Sadly, Captain TS is also extremely naive thinking that his fellow public server gamers are a team of loyal, hard thinking and intelligent group of people instead of lone wolf assholes with the suicidal urges of a Lemming high on quality speed wearing Rollerskates while visiting Dover for the Weekend.


And for that, he will, most of the time be ignored by fellow gamers much to his dismay and frustration. Sometimes, he will even get aggressive and lose his cool picking fights with other players, arguing over against fellow Mic users or text types alike. He usually is either a guy who was once the leader of a rather decent amateur Professional Clan in the old Quake or CS era of gaming or less commonly an actual Military Officer in real life who is a gamer.


The Master DJ:

His name does what it says on the tin, The Master DJ loves music and WILL share it with you throughout the entire game, piping it through his microphone either for an application made for playing music in the game online or (god help you) forgoing quality and playing a cheap CD Player really loud next to his mic on the desktop. The man rarely speaks himself, too busy rocking out with his cock out while everyone trying to communicate in attempts to beating the opposite team is being drowned out by the latest POS that is in the charts or some awful Techno rubbish.


Master DJ actually has a sense of humour, and sometimes will even grant requests to friendly players on the server. Oddly enough, the Master DJ has an evolutionary spin off, the LAWL Master DJ. The LAWL Master DJ plays sound, either clips or actual rather embarrassing music from a series of Internet memes. He will also attempt failing at being ironically funny too. It is theorised he is the offshoot of the Token Internet Asshole and Master DJ's mother.

The Token Asshole:

Like everything else with humanity involving something more than a single person, there is an asshole in the online mic using gaming community. The Token Asshole is usually a 14 year old teenage male, or a male in his late thirties. Both share the same common affliction of not shutting the fuck up and hanging themselves. The Token Asshole, has one objective. To annoy everyone for laughs.


How they do this, is in a variety of ways. From barking out random offensive and racist terms as casual and loud as if it was the thirties again over the mic, to screaming, screeching, farting, arguing with their mothers or in general creating an echo with their speakers on purpose. They will not care for you, the team or even the game they are playing. We suspect now these people have decided their ultimate aim in the universe is to be banned from every online game ever to gain the crown of King Asshole.


The TA loves to piss off Captain TS, Constantly accusing him of being a different sexuality over the mic, pettily arguing with him or just drowning him out so the game can be lost quicker. The Internet asshole almost has a creepy modern day Michael Jackson effect with the Kid.


The Kid:

Considering parents these days are quite liberal and gaming appeals to almost everyone now, It isn't usual you will get the odd visit or two by The Kid, his voice when using the mic instantly tipping off how old he is in a second. Now, remember to go easy on the fellow. Yeah sure, your age you were more interested in cartoon and not going to school but this guy could become a
pro-gamer or hardcore modder in the future. So to be space, be cool with him.


The Kid is usually quite competent at times and gets along great with everyone. He however, has two major down sides. The first is, being a child, he is quite impressionable and chances are he'll become friends with the Internet Asshole, who teaches him that is quite all right to keep dropping the N-bomb and using other colourful language on the mic during the game us quite fair and fun. He also rarely has a hot sister in her late teens, willing to kick him off, take over and talk on the mic.

Negative Dude:
Woe betide if you can hear the Negative Dude, woe to you more if he is on your team because being the delightful confident and patriotic person he is will keep informing that A, we're losing and B, we suck because we are losing. Amusingly enough, Negative Dude himself is rarely above average in such situations and refuses to acknowledge the fact the reason the team is losing is because he is sapping morale, will not shut up and generally sounds funny.


However, the Negative Dude can actually, but rarely sort of cheer up when he is certain things are going the teams way he is on. If not, he'll usually just switch sides to the opposite team who immediatly begin to lose horribly.


Foreign Guy:


This one is usually quite rare, the Foreign Guy is simply a poor soul who has wondered into a random server and is speaking his langauge fluently not getting until it is too late that the server he has joined doesn't have a major multi-lingual population. You yourself can easily become the Foreign Guy if you join a server which is clearly marked by the name as a French/Spanish/German/Chinese speaking server. Sadly, Foreign Guys who can't speak or type english yet use the mic are destined to be kicked for the amount of confusion it could cause. We know a majority of gamers have trouble understanding the basic commands of online gaming in english after all.


The Foreign Guy is the second favourite target of the internet asshole, hopefully however foreign guy has no idea what the hell the Internet Asshole is saying to him.