Dear all ICT Agents, due to some rather disturbing and not at all amusing incidents that certain several agents have committed (47 is not the only guilty party, Agent 69) we shall hear by publish the list of incidents that have been committed and criticise them extremely. Many Bothans died to give us this information. If some of you remember, we hired you to kill them.
It is advised after the incident of Agent 22, humming Weird Al's 'I think I am a clone now around 47 is suicidal. ICT does not cover for losses of life of this kind.Corpse Disposal:
DO:
Tuck discreetly out of sight from prying eyes that may alert the authorities or your contact.
DO NOT:
Play with them and place them in a series of poses indicating sexual conduct. Just because they were mostly bad people doesn't mean their carcasses are giant rag dolls for your amusement. This includes you, 47!
Be ware the discovery of a corpse in most instances will be a bad bad thing. Rarely will your Targets goons shrug and go back to picking their noses and will instead flee, increase security procautions or actually start looking for you.
The following areas are bad for corpse disposal: In plain open sight, sprawled infront of a window, left laid infront of a door and infront of your target and his security.
Is it really mature for paid grown Assassins to do this?Disguise and Infiltration:
DO:
Adapt a disguise of somebody close to or unsuspected by your clients target by any means possibly necessary.
DO NOT:
As much as people hate Christmas these days as well as Children, killing the local shop Father Christmas and taking his clothes does not at all help you with your mission and make you unsuspected to acts of murder. All it does it make you stick out like a sore thumb and give children and survivors horribly festivity themed nightmares. Keeping your weapon hidden also is a big help, Santa rarely packs heat these days.
Please remember, if you are going to dress like this remember the missing details. Like the beard, lack of gun and scent of death.
Please also note, that Metal Detectors do detect metal, but carring massive fucking bombs also arouses general suspicion. In the future, consider a convinient window with a semi-filled Dumpster underneath.
Equipment:
Do:
Bring the best but lightest and most quiet your money can buy. Also, specialist equipment, compass and kevlar is a must.
Do Not:
Buy the fucking Minigun. You are a HITMAN, not the Terminator.
Please remember, despite the fact the ICT allows a certain freedom when equiping yourself for a mission that in Assassination, being sublte is the greatest weapon. That and having the sense to not choose the largest, heaviest and loudest cannon on your gift list. It simply makes the job harder when you are trying to blend in with a massive Minigun on your person. The thing in my trousers excuse does not work.
Also make note that being cheap also does not cut it. Not every gun you will find on the dead corpse of your targets oddly large group of body guards will be loaded with an entire clip. Rare cases show that to cover the cost of such security, targets skimp on actual ammunition with the guns.
Kevlar is also a must if you are prone to amateur blunders. Please remember, that buying the helmet for emergencies is actually a good idea especially if your big pink bald slaphead with the barcode on the back is the easiest target to hit ever. Also, consider bringing a box of plasters to cover that thing up 47. It is amazing it has not been noticed yet.
Also, inform the ICT that you have been given our older models of portable buggy laptop computers as our early maps are horribly horribly useless. Getting lost is never a good idea when taking part in a hit.
Escape:
Do:
Slip out quietly, with target eliminated, most equipment bought or hired on your person with the suit without any unessiscary deaths.
Do Not:
Blast out of your former targets location, armed with the loudest most inaccurare assault rifle caked in blood wearing your boxes and screaming like an idiot without your equipment while wasting hundreds of SWAT teams and innocent people.
The ICT is and likes to be a mostly secret organisation due to the fact of todays modern ethics, however it sometimes is really hard to keep secret when we're constantly bribing for some of your Rambo-esqe mistakes. This is not the movies, Agents. Causing such emotional and physical damage makes ripples. Some ripples so damn expensive, we will eventually have to dump you all and just go into the Pastry business because Assassination is so damn tricky.
Nobody hires a crude noisy Assassin that draws attention to his or her self. They might as well do the bloody job yourselves. Remember, getting paid is more important than your body count in the next days newspaper.
